GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

SEPTEMBER 15, 1995

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ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAIN

Sodomy's last stand

by Aubrey Wertheim

I can't contain my disgust any longer. At times like these, I think this whole socalled community is really the herbal tea steepers and jockstrap swappers our tabloid publications take us for.

"Armies of lovers." "Sexual trailblazers." Where do I lodge my lunch?

Yes, I can justify this exasperation. Easy. Several months back, Montana-in a moment of visionary lawgiving that would have made Jefferson proud-gave the nod to an expansion of their Deviate Sexual Conduct Act which required individuals convicted of same-sex indecencies to register with the police for the rest of their unnatural born lives.

As all homo hoocheekoo constitutes a potential Montana felony anyway, the ramifications of this Northwest passage were provocative and inspiring.

Those Solomons in the state Senate took action on a problem queer communities across this land have been completely derelict in addressing: the shocking decline in the quality of sodomy.

Don't pretend you haven't noticed.

Oral sodomy more and more is getting to be a kind of foreign tongue. Anal sodomy of even middling satisfaction is fast approaching a lost art. Only manual sodomy due to the necessity of safer sexis holding its

own.

How many times have you found yourself in the clinches with a present/future/stopgap lover aching to unclinch and vent at full volume: "De-sist! If you call this sodomizing, let's just go out for Chuck E. Cheese!"

The Montana Sodomite Registry was, in point of fact, merely the first step in a monumental long-range effort to restore same-sex sodomy to its former glory (for, as any state legislator will tell you-off the record: as queer sex goes, so goes the mainstream's).

But no-no-no-no-no. Every pissant activist and loopy ACLU-er amongst us had to throw such a civil liberties hissy fit, them senators hightailed to rescind the whole business quicker than prairie dogs in mating

season.

O ass-backwards, Stone(wall)-Age pioneers!

I was privy to a gander at the legislature's full, extraordinary, long-range plan. SODOMY 2000: MONTANA TAKES THE LEAD. It plumb took my breath away. From sodomy registries were to come sodomy surveys, sodomy performance evaluations, sodomy in-depth analyses and find-

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ings, then yes, cousins, at long last: sodomy quality control.

Tell me, in your bittersweet, post-coital funks, those innermost voices haven't hankered after that Very Same Thang.

State boards would institute proficiency tests, licenses, ratings. An annual statewide consumer guide would be available to the newly-uncloseted, the recently-uncoupled, resurfacing widows, and, of course, those ornery, ever-present varmints, Curious Heterosexuals.

The Montana Tourist Authority became a major backer after rigorously investigating the tourism and convention potential. One Butte Chamber of Commerce spokeswoman told me, “Soon as state-of-the-art sodomy's up and running, there's gonna be such a stampede o' people! And not for Glacier National Park neither!"

State revenues aside, the move makes all the sense in the world.

Chiropractors can't budge one's dise hefore meeting and maintaining rigorous standards, yet we've failed to establish any thing similar in this most vital area.

What's the result? A community growing alarmingly sodophobic. An erogenous illitcracy rate in our young that climbs higher every year.

And those courageous enough to venture forth and uphold The Tradition? The tales of malpractice staggering back! Encounters devoid of style, grace, appropriate musIC. basic hygiene. Truly abominable.

Yet what redress do they have! What appeals are available?

None. Zip. Their perpetrators get off scotfree.

But the Upgraded Sodomy Standard could bring a welcome end to all of that.

And once established in Montana, the Standard will undoubtedly be embraced by the rest of America, blazing across the fruited plain with a passion Lady Bird's wildflower campaign could only dream of

Our real Great American Pastime. Back in the swing. Thrilling countless fans again. Inning after inning.

Now my sources inform me, once the media circus and professional leftiès rope their next cause and move on, the sodomy registry language will be introduced again.

I urge all serious sodomites (and those who love them) not to fly off the handle this time. Just keep your seats.

The benefits, abundant and throat-lumping, will be reaped down the road if Montana is given a little license.

One has only to read the present Deviate Sexual Conduct Act to see what a demoralized state things have come to there, and why they're ready to move. The final line says it all

“Any penetration, however slight, is sufficient."

Wagons, ho!

Aubrey Wertheim is a syndicated columnist based in Oberlin.

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